Behavioural alert: your Pet Stone may be showing serious symptoms. Or maybe not.
At Pet Stone, we take your minimalist companion's wellbeing very seriously (so to speak). Here's our fake vet guide to the 7 most commonly reported issues from our adopters, with real-fake solutions.
The official (unofficial) diagnosis
1. It refuses to move. Normal behaviour, nothing to worry about. It's literally its only talent.
2. It doesn't respond when you call it. Try a classier name. Otherwise, just accept it's ignoring you, with class, exactly like that.
3. It stares into space for hours. So do you, on a Monday morning. Nothing abnormal here.
4. It hasn't shown any sign of affection since you adopted it. Its form of love is silent and mineral. Learn to appreciate it.
5. It refuses all food offered. Excellent sign of dietary discipline. No diet to monitor.
6. It hasn't grown since it arrived. Reassuring, actually. A growing Pet Stone would be far more worrying than anything else.
7. It sometimes disappears for several days. Check under the sofa, in a jacket pocket, or in the hands of a relative jealous of its legendary calm.
Should you see a vet?
No. None of these "symptoms" require intervention. Your Pet Stone is doing wonderfully: it's even the only pet in perfect behavioural health, 100% of the time.